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[04 May 2004|09:40am] [ mood | heavy-hearted ] It hurts me that you think I can't be trusted and have to lie to me. I am not as sinister and as evil as you think I am. the blade is small, shiny and deadly. coated with a rust-proof shine and sharpened at every edge. two parallel lines finally meet at a single point, a fine unblunted intersection between right and wrong. the gaudy plastic handle contrasts abruptly to the polished darkness of the knife. it screams of cheapness and local toy store quality. but the knife is good. it is picked up and handled various ways. the length of the blade is adjusted up and down. up and down. shallow or deep, it doesn't matter. facing inwards, facing outwards, facing down, facing up. lightly scratched against the skin, it leaves a dull almost off-white streak, indicating unhealthiness. it doesn't hurt. oh no. try again. press it down harder, and the line isn't off-white anymore. press it down again, and you make more lines. off-white turns to pink. pink turns to rose. rose turns to red. almost unseen lines mar the surface of th flesh, with their existence surrounded by dark dark pink. sooner or later, they will tear. the blade presses down, deeper and deeper, angrier and angrier. the flesh seems to turn a fiery orange-pink. a flush burns the cheeks, but it burns more on the flesh. harder. faster. deeper. more. and finally. the first drop of escape. then the second. followed by more. the pain is unbearable, but the lungs swell with renewed oxygen. the heart beats with fervor. dark red drops and stains on the sheets, but it won't matter. nothing matters anymore. musings in the background

[02 May 2004|10:10pm] [ mood | kinda sad. ] It makes me sad, that I become sad when I see other people sad. It's like I have something to do with it, whether I really do or not. And I'm sad now, because I made someone angry. I don't want anyone to be angry because I made them angry. I don't like it at all. I'm sorry. musings in the background

Wala talaga magawa.... [02 May 2004|12:34pm] [ mood | extremely bored. ] i am: trizza. i want: to be with someone right now. i have: two hands, the left and the right! i wish: I could go live somewhere else, away from family. i hate: my incompetence with math. i miss: Kirby. i fear: a painful death. i hear: the electric fan. i wonder: how I can ever be a Jedi. Or be strong in the Force. i regret: ever being with him. Basta him. i love: God. And Kirby. i always: go online, even if there's nothing much to do. i dance: with the hardcourt team! i sing: in the bathroom. i cry: easily. Doesn't take much to upset me. i am not always: good and nice and innocent. i need: money. i should: always pray at night. you keep a diary?: I keep journals. you like to cook?: YEAH! you have a secret you have not shared with?: yeah..reserved for my death bed. you believe in love?: yeah. the weirdest person(s) you know?: myself, that's one. My barkada, that's six. A lot lot more. the loudest person(s)?: TAM. Grabe loud mouth yun. haha! the sexiest person(s)?: definitely not me. Erm...all our coaches! Angelina Jolie, mehn! your closest friends?: A lot. My barkada...Kevin..haha! Some WanErs. have a (any) crush(es)?: yeah. who?: Oh, wouldn't you like to know? As if you don't noh! want to get married?: yeah. I don't want to be a spinster. Or a nun! get motion sickness?: very rarely. eye color?: dark brown. I wish it was black or green or purple or grey. birthplace?: mindanao. HAVE YOU..? (in the last 24 hours) cried? yeah. teardrop lang. My brother kasi eh. helped someone? Yeah. bought something? my bible and lamb's kit to yesterday's prayer meeting. gotten sick? nope. gone to the movies? nope. gone out for dinner? I didn't eat dinner. written a real letter? nope. TO whom naman and why? talked to an ex?: NO WAY. Ayoko na. haha. written in a journal? yeah. just now lang. had a serious talk? yes. last night. hugged someone? yes...my shepherd. fought with your parents? no. fought with a friend?: no. fought with anyone?: no. last week, tho. played any games online?: I really don't at all. feel lonely?: yes. msg: ano daw? Last food you ate: taho. Last drink you drank: taho. Ano ba siya, food or drink? Labo.. Last tv show you watched: Movie sa HBO..Simone. Last item you bought for yourself: A CD. Last item you bought for someone else: Tagal na eh..I think it was food for one of my kapatids. Last phone call you made: Two nights ago. Last person who called you: Kirby. Last time you cried: Kanina. Last time you screamed: last week, kasi may inaawayan ako. Last wish you made: Sana magkasama kami ngayon. Last book you read: Dark Matter. Last food you cooked: yesterday morning. Last time you got drunk: I don't drink. Last time you stayed up late: Last night. Last time you received flowers: Recital ko, which was last summer, end of May. Last you went out on a date: this wednesday. Last time you broke somebody’s heart: I'm not sure when, but I think I did. Last time you were heart broken: THis year lang. A few months ago. Last time you were in love: I'm still in love. Last thing you do before you go to bed: pray. Black or white: both. Flip flops or high heels: flipflops. I could hurt myself on heels. Beach or pool: beach. pool. beach. pool. Two piece or one piece: depends on the people I'm with. Dude or chong: dude. Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla ice cream. Coke or sprite: coke. Manicure or pedicure: pedicure. (Huwaat daw?!) Study or cram: cram. povedan eh.. Long relationships or short: long, para meaningful.. Pink or purple: purple mehn. Summer or winter: winter. Board shorts or skimpy shorts: board shorts. bags or shoes: shoes. fine dining or fancy dinner: what's the diff? And that, my friends, is how bored I am today. And how hot is is today. musings in the background

[29 Apr 2004|12:15am] [ mood | using taglish feels strange. ] [ music | songs by bic runga and fiona apple ] I spent the day with Kirby today...Hay nakoo. Fell in love again. All over again. But then this time, I know na ibabalik sa akin yun inilalabas ko, not like some people... Anyway, he was such a gentleman talaga. Waiting for me even when I came at 11 na and kasunduan namin, 1030 magkikita. It's sorta not my fault! I had to go to school to reserve the air-conditioned preschool gym para the intermediate dance class wouldn't have to stay in the hot dusty covered walk. Sayang lang kasi yung 4000 na binayad nila. Dapat nga sila Ivy na gagawa nun...but I was there na rin, so oh well. He even brought the books he promised me! It's some sort of science fiction book called Dark Matter. But it's okay. I'll read anything this summer. We watched School of Rock sa Galleria. I kept teasing him about Lawrence and telling him na magkalahi sila(totoo naman eh!)..He got pissy at me for doing that. And got even more pissy kasi I kept saying how cute Freddy Jones is. Pero gentleman kasi nilibre pa rin ako sa Starbucks...wrong timing nga kasi nilalamig kami sa ice monster(siya rin libre!) at sa theatre, tapos dun pa kami after that. Nanginginig nga kamay ko while finishing my drink. So yun. Met his yaya, who was chaperoning him and all. Sabi niya, mestiza daw ako. AHAHAHA please. I just smiled. Who doesn't love compliments? They were pretty nice enough to bring me to DLSU in time for my Spanish class. I was scared nga of his ahya in front...intimidating and all. The ride was really quiet, save for the music from the car radio. I had to communicate with him by texting stuff on my phone and letting him read it, para di marinig ng lahat yung "pinag-uusapan" namin. And yun. Had enough time to catch my breath when I got to my class when my Spanish teacher walked in. And I couldn't concentrate so much in class. Kirby kasi eh! Hay nakoo. Yun. Na-inlove ako ulit. musings in the background

cruel intentions. [26 Apr 2004|03:09pm] [ mood | shattered. ] "It seems to me now that the plain state of being human is dramatic enough for anyone; you don't need to be a heroin addict or a performance poet to experience extremity. You just have to love someone." -->How to be Good I spent half of the half of today teaching my little sister Spanish. I spent the other half in hardcourt. We used the little gym today; at least it was airconditioned inside. Cess and I practiced backwalks a bit; sad to say, I still can't do it. But my heart wasn't in most of my activities so far. Just half, not whole. I could walk, but I didn't see where I was going. I could dance, but I couldn't hear the music. I could laugh, but the mirth was somewhat forced. I could ride the MRT and walk to the jeep and walk home, but not feel the presence of people around me. I could feel the intense heat, but I didn't feel hot. I could talk, but the words were half-heartedly spoken. I'm not myself today. I'm a walking half-zombie. Maybe it's because I need to forgive. And forgiveness. I was hurt too much, I was told things that hit the mark, I was even told that if I killed myself or hurt myself on that spot, no one would care, least of all him. And so I cried. SO hard. Last night. But I thought that even tears couldn't move anything, couldn't do anything, and it hurt so much. No one ever said things like that to me before. And it struck me that I could be replaced as simple as that. And as easy as that. There could be someone prettier, someone richer, someone with smaller eyes, whiter skin, more perfect teeth, small feet, straight glossy hair, porcelain features, petite frame, thin waist, small height that strongly contrast to my large eyes, yawning plainness, sun-bleached skin(not tanned, mind you), retainered teeth, size 7 feet, wavy unmanageable hair, mismatched features, short and stocky height and frame that don't complement me at all. I'm a Filipina. With Spanish and Muslim heritage. I'm not what he needs. I'm not what his family wants. I'm not what he's looking for. And so it is easy for me to be replaced like that. And I was hurt. And left so alone. But thank God for God. He was the only one with me when I cried last night. musings in the background

[24 Apr 2004|11:30pm] I love him. shattered glass|musings in the background

confusion... [22 Apr 2004|11:31pm] [ mood | terribly confused... ] I'm confused with everything now. With my life, my barkada, my...devilish warrior. I realized that I really need to powwow with my barkada because now I've got a lot to say. I finally realized that I'm being strangled and pinapahirapan. It may not sound so nice, but once I get things explained, it will be better. I need to tell them everything that's been going on in my mind and everything about them that I really have a lot of trouble with, but just don't say it because it's either I haven't realized it too much yet or I just don't want to because they'll make it a big deal. But I don't want to make things into big deals because I don't want na aaway-away kami dahil lang marami akong reklamo sa buhay. Mahal ko silang lahat; marami lang talaga akong masabi tungkol dito. And that is why we need to pow wow. The thing going on with Kibs is another thing. I couldn't help but be curious when he mentioned it. I pressed on for more, and I admit, I was sorry I did. But rather know the truth than live in a lie, right? That's right. But I can't stand it. I feel the same way, of course. But it's like he's changed towards me. Now that I know too much, it seems as though there's some sort of wall that he built around himself, that I can't seem to penetrate because of what I know. And that's just sad, because I don't really see him as a whole new different person. Just a person whom I really love, but know a bit more about. I don't know. He's angry right now. I don't want to interfere. My life and my scheds and all my gimmicks are driving me insane. I mean, I thought I had all my classes spread out and scheduled with ample time for me to breathe and all, but suddenly, all theses events and gimmicks start popping out at all the wrong times, even if I'd given forewarnings on my schedule. ..Lack of attention? On whose part? shattered glasses|musings in the background

sad... [20 Apr 2004|11:06pm] He didn't even tell me he loved me, even after he called to say good night. BUt I still love him. shattered glasses|musings in the background

in the highest state of high. [19 Apr 2004|09:20pm] [ mood | in ecstasy.. ] Love is only a feeling The Darkness The first flush of youth was upon you when our eyes first met And I knew that to you and into your life I had to get I felt light-headed at the touch of this stranger's hand An assault my defences systematically failed to withstand 'Cos you came at a time When the pursuit of one true love in which to fall Was the be all and end all Love is only a feeling (Drifting away) When I'm in your arms I start believing (It's here to stay) But love is only a feeling Anyway The state of elation that this unison of hearts achieved I had seen, I had touched, I had tasted and I truly believed That the light of my life Would tear a hole right through each cloud that scudded by Just to beam on you and I Love is only a feeling (Drifting away) When I'm in your arms I start believing (It's here to stay) But love is only a feeling Anyway, anyway Love is only a feeling (Drifting away) And we've got to stop ourselves believing (It's here to stay) 'Cos love is only a feeling Anyway. Oh lord. I'm in love. And I think I really do love him. After so long. After so much time has passed between us. Help. musings in the background

[18 Apr 2004|02:09pm] [ mood | loved and warmful ] To my dear katers pataters... You were cluttering my mind at the present because I missed you at that time! YOu were in the States kasi then, eh. And you aren't mentioned there because you don't have a special name fer me! You can make one for me and I'll add you down there, kei? Hahahahahaha. I'm meeting with people this week. Special dates, if you can call them that. I dunno. They're just people I hafta spend time with again, because I'm starting to forget how they look. And to make it super memorable, I'll be lugging around my old videocam tomorrow. It's heavy, but reliable. Still works after a series of falls and drops, usually not from my own hands. To my dates! Look for the girl with the broken smile Ask her if she wants to stay awhile And she will be loved. musings in the background

past or present. . . ? [ this is | ive been thinking lately. ] [ go | search the past ]